Changes in Attitudes, Changes in Latitudes - Part 1

Over the next three days on my blog, I’m going to write about a topic that I find very difficult to talk about but I’m hoping it shows something that people may not know about me or how I feel about it.

I’m going to write about My Weight.

For those that don’t know me, I’m fat. You can say overweight or plus-sized but the fact of the matter is I’m fat. My friends will tell me that I’m not as bad as I think—and God love them—but it still doesn’t change that I am bigger than most.

I haven’t always been fat. Matter-of-fact, all through my childhood and up until I was about thirteen I was painfully skinny and pretty shy. I didn’t start gaining weight until I was about 16 but looking back I wish I could tell my former self that being a size 12 wasn’t fat. That all through my twenties that size 14 was not big either, even though there were many ‘well-meaning relatives’ that would tell me I needed to lose weight.

When I was 32, I decided to finally quit smoking (which is another blog in itself) but I also decided that I was going to defy those odds about people gaining weight after they quit and decided I wanted to lose about 50 pounds. Then I was about a size 18.

So I quit smoking and joined the gym. Even got a personal trainer to help me and very quickly I lost those fifty pounds. I was proud of myself.

But then I kept losing weight, another ten, twenty, until I was so skinny that one could actually see my bones sticking out of my back. And I wasn’t even trying. I went from about 180 pounds to about 101 in the span of 7 months.

I also developed a ravenous appetite and unquenchable thirst. Oh and I had to pee constantly, no word of a lie every ten minutes.

Yes I know something was going on but it wasn’t until I could not climb stairs, my muscles were so weak that it took everything to lift my feet that I had to admit something was going on.

What was going on was that I had type 1 diabetes or sometimes commonly known as juvenile diabetes (again another blog topic for another time)and quickly got onto insulin and started feeling better in no time.

I got to the weight I am now over time. For the first three years after my diagnosis, once I gained the weight so I was no longer looking like a skeleton, I maintained it fairly well.

But then I started gaining more and more and while I could blame my disease, that’s just a cop out. I just became lazy. About my food choices, about my activity level, about looking after myself.

It became easy just to take that extra insulin so I could have those sweets and especially those salty snacks and high carb foods, especially because year after year when I had my yearly physical all my tests—blood pressure, cholesterol, blood sugars etc.,—were always excellent, which defied the odds about how my body was looking.

I just wanted to give a bit of background about my ‘weight gain journey’. But here’s the thing: I’m not an unhappy fat person. I never was and I never will be. I have never been ashamed about going out and trying new things and meeting new people.

I’m now at a point of my life that I want to become healthy again and lose weight, especially the fat around my belly. But why now? Why not earlier in my life? Because the truth is, one has to feel motivated to start and continue what will be a long journey.

My motivation is my Cameron. Before anyone even thinks he’s told me to lose weight, he hasn’t. Not even close. While a former lover would say something about how pretty I’d be if ‘I’d only lose weight’, Cameron tells me I’m beautiful. Period. Full stop. And I look at the truth in his eyes and can see that he means it. When I told him I was going to lose weight the first thing he made sure of was I wasn’t doing it for him because he loves me exactly as I am.

And that’s a big truth. I am motivated by him because I want us to have a long, happy and HEALTHY future together; however, if I don’t want it just for myself, then my weight loss journey isn’t going to work.

And while I have mentioned how every year my tests always come back with great results, I know I’m hedging my bets and that my lifestyle will be a detriment to my health and next thing I’ll know I won’t have that long future with my Love and that would really piss me off. So yes, while Cameron is not the reason why I want to lose weight, he gives me that extra support and encouragement that I need.

Tomorrow I’ll talk about what I’m doing to lose weight. Yes don’t faint, I did say tomorrow. *lol*

‘til next time,

Jacs