Changes in Attitudes, Changes in Latitudes - Part 3

Here are my dieting truths:

Drink water. I always have a glass before each meal (helps with that full feeling) and usually one during it as well. Every so often I have a black tea, otherwise it’s water, water, water. I’m up to about 10 to 12 eight ounce glasses a day.

A 300 calorie bag of chips is not the same as a salad that’s also 300 calories. While that bag of chips may taste great, the thing about having one is that soon after you want another. Or you want ice cream or a chocolate bar. There’s a reason why they are called empty calories. After eating a good, healthy salad, you are so full that you don’t want to eat anything afterwards.

Diet colas are evil. Yes they have neither sugar nor calories but they do make you hungry and eat things you shouldn’t. I’m not sure if it’s the artificial sweeteners in them but I know that whenever I drank a Diet Coke, it wasn’t long after that I wanted to eat something. And it was usually something not very good for me. Matter-of-fact, anything that contains artificial sweeteners, avoid like the plague.

Drink water.

While changing my eating habits is great, exercise is a must. I cannot have one without the other. I need both cardio and strength training. I’m on the treadmill now five times a week because suddenly I have all this extra energy from not being weighed down by all those heavy carbs. And I’m using rubber bands for my strength training.

I have to eat regularly. I know for some that means dividing their meals from three large meals into six smaller ones, so that one is eating every couple of hours. It tricks your body into thinking that it won’t have to starve and will let go of the fat. For me though, trying to schedule 6 times a day to eat is so not going to happen. That’s okay though because I was just eating only one or two meals a day (we won’t mention the high-carb snacks that I’d eat because I was so hungry), so going from that to having a healthy breakfast, lunch, dinner and bedroom snack (which I usually have about 4 hours before bedtime) has been enough for my body to realize that I’m not ‘starving’ it and in turn has start to let go of the fat.

Drink water.

I must have a good night’s sleep. Even though the experts say I should have between seven to eight hours a sleep a night, it seems my natural sleep is closer to five to six hours, no matter how hard I try to sleep longer. Every so often I may sleep in a little but I’m pretty much awake after six hours. I figure as long as I feel rested, it’s all good.

Not everyone will approve of my new eating habits. Matter-of-fact there will be people that tell me that ‘just a little bit of ____’ (you fill in the blanks with ‘pasta’ ‘bread’ ‘candy’ etc) won’t hurt. Or they tell me almost defensively that ‘they won’t change their diet just because I have’. They don’t have to because it’s MY diet not theirs. I don’t begrudge them for eating carbs with their proteins; instead, I just have a nice side of vegetables or a salad. Or they’ll say things like how they could never go ‘no carb’ and how they would miss it etc. Again, that’s okay because this has nothing to do with them. This is what I want to do and as such it’s my responsibility to do what I need to stay on this route.

I find it very strange how some people are neither encouraging nor supportive, especially those that one would think would be. Or they’re very negative about what I’m doing. Again that’s okay because I’m getting quite a lot of encouragement from others. More than I thought, judging by the comments and notes from others I’ve received over the past couple of days. *smile*

On the other hand, even more annoying are those that ask me if, ‘I should be eating that?’ or ‘should I eat that much protein (or fruit or whatever)’? Yes I do know you’re looking out for me but please realize that I’m a grown woman and I really don’t need you policing me. Believe it or not, I know what I’m doing. When one changes their habits like this there’s a lot of research that goes into it. I’m not even close to craving refined sugars or starch/flour-laden carbs as I once had but it is my own doing if I did want and had some. *pause* However if you ever see me with a carton of ice cream or a bag of Cheetos, just grab them out of my hands, don’t even ask me ‘should I be eating that?’ *LOL*

So am I seeing any results now that I’m on this new diet/lifestyle change? Besides all this extra energy I have (which btw my long-distance Love is so missing out on. Yes I know TMI but seriously boy oh boy, if he were near me I wouldn’t be using my treadmill as much! LOL!), I feel so much better. My skin is clearer. While my blood sugars rarely ran high, they did have the tendency to run fairly low. Now? They’ve been great and at a constant level. I haven’t had a low sugar since I started this. Because my blood sugars have been on an even keel, that ‘always hungry’ feeling has disappeared. One of best things is that my insulin use has gone to less than half, sometimes a quarter of the doses I used to take. The less insulin I’m using the easier it’s been to lose the weight.

Have I mentioned to drink water?

Now what about my weight loss thus far? In these first three weeks I’ve lost ELEVEN POUNDS. YAY! I do know that I’m losing high numbers at the moment because I’m larger and have more fat to get rid from my body, eventually though it will taper to one to two pounds a week. And that’s great as well. I’m not in a race to lose weight. I also know that in the not so distance future that while I lose the body fat, I’ll start gaining muscle.

Do I have a goal weight and/or size? Yes I do: I’m aiming between 145 to 169 pounds and looking at probably a size 12 to 16. You know, when I thought that was ‘fat’. Some experts will say that at my height of 5’6 my goal should be a lot lower than that but you know what? I’ve been skinny and at that ‘ideal weight and size’ and I didn’t like it. I love having curves and a little something in my caboose. I enjoy that I can cradle the boyfriend within my hips and not have him worry that he’ll break bones *lol*.

My main goal, as I mentioned earlier, is to get rid of my belly fat. Again though, I don’t want to have a super flat stomach, I know I’ll feel a bit more feminine with just a little ‘pooch’. Being very fat everywhere is not good but it’s the unhealthiest in the abdomen area. I just no longer want to know the ‘muffin man’ ;)

You know for someone that thought she couldn’t talk about her weight, I seem to have a lot to say! I do want to leave you with these final thoughts:

Before embarking on any diet plan, please see your doctor first and foremost.

Do not feel that going ‘no carb/low carb’ is your only option to lose weight. This is the one plan that works for me and it may work for you as well; however, any plan that has you reducing your calorie-intake in a healthy manner is great. The idea is changing your eating habits for the better and for the long run, not just for six months.

Exercise. Get moving. Get those endorphins going. For some of you, your diet could be fine and all you need is to have regular exercise to get to your healthier you.

Oh yes...drink water.

But the last thing I want to say about my weight loss journey to become my healthier self and to those that are also on the same path is this: Be positive. Stay positive. Nothing is impossible when you’re in a great frame of mind.

Again, thank you to all for all your encouraging words of love and support. It really does help. If you all want, I can give regular updates on my progress, probably every two to three weeks? Let me know what you all think.

 

‘til next time,

Jacs :)

Changes in Attitudes, Changes in Latitudes - Part 2

A little more than three weeks ago I started on my new lifestyle path. However saying ‘lifestyle path’ is just too much of a mouthful so I’m going to use that dirty word: Diet. It’s just so much easier to say and write, but please know that I’m not thinking of my new eating habits as a ‘fad’.

But let me back up to several weeks ago when I had lunch with an acquaintance—you know those people that you meet up with once a year to catch up, never really getting into too much detail about each other’s lives? You just have pleasant conversation and a nice lunch and you’re happy not seeing them for another year.

However this year I completely passed her at the table because I didn’t recognize her. That’s because she lost about hundred pounds. She’s also a type 1 diabetic like I am. She looked great and of course I had to ask what her secret was. I could not believe the change.

She told me she’s been on a no carb/low carb diet for the past year. I was surprised because I was told from the time I was diagnosed that I must always have carbs with every meal for my insulin to work. She then pointed out that because we don’t produce any insulin at all that it wouldn’t matter what we eat, for us we need it to help our foods break down for energy, just without the carbs, we would just need less of it.

It was as if something just clicked in my head and I had one of those ‘Oprah aha’ moments. I got clarity and I have to say I also got pretty excited.

I wasn’t unfamiliar with the no carbohydrate lifestyle. My nephew has been on it for almost two years now—he started it when he started gaining weight and while he wasn’t close to being fat, if he kept on the way he was, he could very well be.

Anyway long story short is that he looks fantastic.  I just never considered the no carb diet an option for me. I only thought it could only be done with ‘healthy’ people or more to the point, those that didn’t need insulin.

Well until that lunch. She did advise that before I even thought about it that I needed to see my doctor to see if I could do this diet, not to mention trying to figure out with him how much insulin I would need on a no carb/low carb diet.

But I decided that if my doctor gave me the green light to go ahead with this diet then I would start the very next day. It’s funny how much I’m reminded of when I decided to quit smoking once and for all. After so many attempts of trying to quit, I knew without any doubt that January 1^st, 1997 that I had my very last cigarette. That I’d quit for good. And that’s the feeling I had about this change in my eating habits. I knew this would be what will put me on that road to weight loss.

When I told my doctor I wanted to go as no carb as possible, he looked at me and said, “Jacqui, I’ve been wanting you to do this for years but you kept telling me no.” Ummm guess I never heard him or ignored what he told me because those bowls of pasta and chips and Cheetos kept calling me.

But he was very happy that I wanted to do this and we talked about how much insulin I would need, depending on my blood sugar before each meal.

The next day I gave up rice, pasta, potatoes and bread. I also gave up all refined sugars, so no cakes, cookies and other sweets. All high salty snacks as well. Quit like I did when I gave up smoking. Cold turkey. I also gave up a very big crutch: Diet Coke or Coke Zero.

My meals these days consist mostly of protein, vegetables, fruits and nuts.

But let me tell you something. While I felt and still feel good and motivated, those first three/four days were horrible. My headaches were bad and I could feel myself going through that sugar withdrawal.

And yet it was almost a miracle that while I was getting those ‘sugar shakes’ I also discovered that my taste buds were opening up and for the first time in my life I discovered that I liked vegetables. Even those green ones. Yes for those that know me well, I’m sure you’re about to faint *lol*

Once I got over the sugar withdrawal and started to feel normal, it’s been fairly easy to follow this new diet. Especially as I’m not getting any cravings for sweets nor salty snacks.

I’m also drinking a lot more water and getting more fibre from both fruits/vegetables as well as supplements and that has made a big difference as well because when you feel full you don’t want to overeat.

I’ll stop there and tomorrow I’ll talk about my truths in dieting. Yes that is three blogs in a row!

‘Til next time,

Jacs

p.s. I'm trying to figure out why some folks can't seem to comment on this blog. I have it set so that anyone should be able to leave remarks without having a 'user id'. Very strange.  In the meantime please continue to email me direct or on Facebook. Your feedback and encouragement are appreciated.

Changes in Attitudes, Changes in Latitudes - Part 1

Over the next three days on my blog, I’m going to write about a topic that I find very difficult to talk about but I’m hoping it shows something that people may not know about me or how I feel about it.

I’m going to write about My Weight.

For those that don’t know me, I’m fat. You can say overweight or plus-sized but the fact of the matter is I’m fat. My friends will tell me that I’m not as bad as I think—and God love them—but it still doesn’t change that I am bigger than most.

I haven’t always been fat. Matter-of-fact, all through my childhood and up until I was about thirteen I was painfully skinny and pretty shy. I didn’t start gaining weight until I was about 16 but looking back I wish I could tell my former self that being a size 12 wasn’t fat. That all through my twenties that size 14 was not big either, even though there were many ‘well-meaning relatives’ that would tell me I needed to lose weight.

When I was 32, I decided to finally quit smoking (which is another blog in itself) but I also decided that I was going to defy those odds about people gaining weight after they quit and decided I wanted to lose about 50 pounds. Then I was about a size 18.

So I quit smoking and joined the gym. Even got a personal trainer to help me and very quickly I lost those fifty pounds. I was proud of myself.

But then I kept losing weight, another ten, twenty, until I was so skinny that one could actually see my bones sticking out of my back. And I wasn’t even trying. I went from about 180 pounds to about 101 in the span of 7 months.

I also developed a ravenous appetite and unquenchable thirst. Oh and I had to pee constantly, no word of a lie every ten minutes.

Yes I know something was going on but it wasn’t until I could not climb stairs, my muscles were so weak that it took everything to lift my feet that I had to admit something was going on.

What was going on was that I had type 1 diabetes or sometimes commonly known as juvenile diabetes (again another blog topic for another time)and quickly got onto insulin and started feeling better in no time.

I got to the weight I am now over time. For the first three years after my diagnosis, once I gained the weight so I was no longer looking like a skeleton, I maintained it fairly well.

But then I started gaining more and more and while I could blame my disease, that’s just a cop out. I just became lazy. About my food choices, about my activity level, about looking after myself.

It became easy just to take that extra insulin so I could have those sweets and especially those salty snacks and high carb foods, especially because year after year when I had my yearly physical all my tests—blood pressure, cholesterol, blood sugars etc.,—were always excellent, which defied the odds about how my body was looking.

I just wanted to give a bit of background about my ‘weight gain journey’. But here’s the thing: I’m not an unhappy fat person. I never was and I never will be. I have never been ashamed about going out and trying new things and meeting new people.

I’m now at a point of my life that I want to become healthy again and lose weight, especially the fat around my belly. But why now? Why not earlier in my life? Because the truth is, one has to feel motivated to start and continue what will be a long journey.

My motivation is my Cameron. Before anyone even thinks he’s told me to lose weight, he hasn’t. Not even close. While a former lover would say something about how pretty I’d be if ‘I’d only lose weight’, Cameron tells me I’m beautiful. Period. Full stop. And I look at the truth in his eyes and can see that he means it. When I told him I was going to lose weight the first thing he made sure of was I wasn’t doing it for him because he loves me exactly as I am.

And that’s a big truth. I am motivated by him because I want us to have a long, happy and HEALTHY future together; however, if I don’t want it just for myself, then my weight loss journey isn’t going to work.

And while I have mentioned how every year my tests always come back with great results, I know I’m hedging my bets and that my lifestyle will be a detriment to my health and next thing I’ll know I won’t have that long future with my Love and that would really piss me off. So yes, while Cameron is not the reason why I want to lose weight, he gives me that extra support and encouragement that I need.

Tomorrow I’ll talk about what I’m doing to lose weight. Yes don’t faint, I did say tomorrow. *lol*

‘til next time,

Jacs

Blurred Lines? I don't think so!

In the past few days after the VMAs, a lot has been said about Miley Cyrus’ performance with Robin Thicke. I have to say, I pretty much agree with everyone’s critique of her performance. And then I read several people in blogs or on Facebook asking what about Robin Thicke’s part in all of it and why wasn’t he blamed as well. Yes he was pretty bad too but I will admit in saying that for some reason he didn’t bother me as much. Some will say that it’s because society says that it’s okay for a man to openly want sex but women that they should keep it behind closed doors. Could be.

However, I realize as I looked at the footage there was something that kept bothering me.  It wasn’t the antics of Cyrus nor Thicke; no it was the same uncomfortable feeling I got whenever I listened to that song on the radio. Yet I loved the dance groove of that song.

And then I really listened to the lyrics of ‘Blurred Lines’ the other day and knew that from that point on, I could never enjoy that song again. Why?

Because of the message that song is sending. That it isn’t rape if a man thinks he knows that a woman wants him. I’m surprised that radio keeps playing it. Which is probably a good reason why I prefer listening to my mp3 player instead.

I’m not only surprised about radio playing the song but I’m pretty pissed off about it.

Let’s start at the beginning of the song:

If you can't hear what I'm trying to say
If you can't read from the same page
Maybe I'm going deaf,
Maybe I'm going blind
Maybe I'm out of my mind

So it sounds as if some guy is picking a woman up at a club or the like. From the sounds of it, he’s striking out because she ‘can’t’ hear (the pick up line) what he’s trying to tell say. Those ‘maybes’ seem to be his way of saying, ‘did you/have you accepted what I’m offering? Maybe I just ‘going deaf’

Next verse.

OK now he was close, tried to domesticate you
But you're an animal, baby, it's in your nature
Just let me liberate you
Hey, hey, hey
You don't need no papers
Hey, hey, hey
That man is not your maker

I could take that verse two ways. One he came to her rescue after another tried to hit on her or that he’s stalking this woman’s every move at this club. Either scenario it doesn’t matter because of the next verse:

And that's why I'm gon' take a good girl
I know you want it
I know you want it
I know you want it
You're a good girl
Can't let it get past me
You're far from plastic
Talk about getting blasted
I hate these blurred lines
I know you want it
I know you want it
I know you want it
But you're a good girl
The way you grab me
Must wanna get nasty
Go ahead, get at me

And here is where I get extremely uncomfortable about this song. Especially the line, “I know you want it”. Really? How do you know that? Did the woman say that or are you just assuming this?  He talks about her “getting blasted” and then goes on to say to her that he hates those, ‘blurred lines’.

You’re asking a woman, who you admit is ‘blasted’, to have sex with you and because she didn’t say yes or no to you that suddenly it’s a ‘blurred line’? And how do you know that the way she grabbed you that she wanted to do the nasty with you? Again did she say that?

Next:

What do they make dreams for
When you got them jeans on
What do we need steam for
You the hottest bitch in this place
I feel so lucky
Hey, hey, hey
You wanna hug me
Hey, hey, hey
What rhymes with hug me?
Hey, hey, hey

So now our boy is changing tactics and trying to be smooth. Tells her how hot she looks in her jeans. Flirts with her and tries to be funny. But then he goes and spoils it by then saying:

And that's why I'm gon' take a good girl
I know you want it
I know you want it
I know you want it
You're a good girl
Can't let it get past me
You're far from plastic
Talk about getting blasted
I hate these blurred lines
I know you want it
I hate them lines
I know you want it
I hate them lines
I know you want it
But you're a good girl
The way you grab me
Must wanna get nasty
Go ahead, get at me.

Again dude assuming that this girl wants it! That while she’s a ‘good girl’ and real (‘far from plastic’) that he’s going to show her what he (assumes) she wants.

And then here comes the friend who joins him in trying to cajole the woman into having sex...

One thing I ask of you
Let me be the one you back that ass to
Go, from Malibu, to Paris, boo
Yeah, I had a bitch, but she ain't bad as you
So hit me up when you passing through
I'll give you something big enough to tear your ass in two
Swag on, even when you dress casual
I mean it's almost unbearable
In a hundred years not dare, would I
Pull a Pharside let you pass me by
Nothing like your last guy, he too square for you
He don't smack that ass and pull your hair like that
So I just watch and wait for you to salute
But you didn't pick
Not many women can refuse this pimpin'
I'm a nice guy, but don't get it if you get with me

...and pretty much tells the woman how he’d like to be part of a threesome with her and his friend. And that he isn’t going to be easy on her that he would ‘tear’ her ‘ass into two’. Oh yeah that just sounds so sexy...NOT.

He is trying like his friend above but is obviously failing because this woman ‘refuse(d) this pimipin’ I wonder why? *rolls eyes*

And then the rest of the song:

Shake the vibe, get down, get up
Do it like it hurt, like it hurt
What you don't like work?

Baby can you breathe? I got this from Jamaica
It always works for me, Dakota to Decatur, uh huh
No more pretending
Hey, hey, hey
Cause now you winning
Hey, hey, hey
Here's our beginning

I always wanted a good girl
I know you want it
I know you want it
I know you want it
You're a good girl
Can't let it get past me
You're far from plastic
Talk about getting blasted
I hate these blurred lines

I know you want it
I know you want it
I know you want it
But you're a good girl
The way you grab me
Must wanna get nasty
Go ahead, get at me

I dunno know about the rest of you but it kind of sounds like they raped and drugged her and then after it’s over and done, he jokes with his buddy about always wanting a ‘good girl’ but it was okay because he knew she wanted it.

Great message we’re sending to our young people. Hell to anyone who, like me just a few days ago, thought it was just a cool dance song.

Guys, let me tell you something...unless you ask a woman point blank if she wants you, then don’t assume you know. And the excuse that she was ‘blasted’ and gave you that ‘blurred line’ is absolutely no reason for you to rape her.  Sure she didn’t say no but did she tell you yes?

I will never listen to this song again.

So question, are there any songs that have made you uncomfortable listening to them?

‘til next time,

Jacs

 

 

 

 

 

Another day, another blog (yes don't faint lol)

I’ve been asked what I did with all my time in Texas, especially when Cameron was at work. Most knew that where my Love lives that one needs a car to get around and how did I ‘cope’ with the isolation? What did I do? How did I not go stir-crazy not having ‘anything to do’?

Here’s the thing: while some thought of it as isolation...I thought of it as peace and quiet. While some thought I had nothing to do...I thought having ‘nothing to do’ was amazing.  How did I cope without a car?  There wasn’t anything to ‘cope’ with—I was exactly where I wanted to be—with the man I love.

Time seemed to have whizzed by much faster than I liked.

So what did we do? We got to know each other even better than before. Talked about everything or nothing at all.  Shared the quiet together. Got used to each other’s habits and idiosyncrasies.

And what did I do while Cam was at work?  I read and reflected but most of all I relaxed—something I haven’t done in months—because I was finally home.  Now, don’t get me wrong—I love Canada. She has been good to me and I’m so proud to be called Canadian but the pull of Cameron’s place now calls to me. Whispers, ‘Welcome, we’re glad you’re here and I hope you’re here to stay.’ I have found a peace there  that I never knew I was looking for and I know it’s in large part because of a very loving man. 

One of the things I reflected on at length while I was in Texas is how fortunate and blessed I’ve been to find my soul mate and heart in my best friend. He loves me for exactly who I am, baggage and all. Not only does he know me but he ‘gets’ me. And when I surprise him with something new about myself, he is very quick to adapt and adjust.

Those that know me, know I do love to travel. But do you know what the best part of travelling is to me? Coming home to Toronto.  I love seeing my city as we land at Pearson, knowing that I’m back in familiar ground. I’ve always felt that way until the last couple of times when I had to leave my Love.

I don’t want to say my heart breaks every time I have to leave him but oh my gosh, does it hurt. I was only with him about two weeks the last time and I couldn’t stand leaving him. Now, after being with him for over two months, it’s going to be excruciating. I hate even thinking about leaving him in a few short days.

And yet, I know it’s not going to be for long. We’ve made plans, talked at length about our future and while we’ll have several obstacles to overcome, the one thing we both want is a future together. And yes for us, that foreseeable future will be in Texas.

As I mentioned in my previous blog, I’ll be back with him in November for a couple of weeks, attending a readers conference we planned  for months ago. For a very brief moment I thought about just staying on but my conscious wouldn’t allow it—even though I know that so many do it and have no problems. We want to do everything legal and above board.

Unfortunately ‘legal and above board’ costs money. Visas, lawyer fees, medical fees, various document fees and so on and so forth.  So in the meantime, I’m glad I’m Canadian, where residents can visit the US for six months, which I’ll be doing come mid-spring of next year.  *An aside to my family: Yes, Cameron will be coming to visit and meet you all so you can see exactly how wonderful he is to me and for me :) *

So yes, I’m going to miss my honey but I know we’ll be back together soon. Meantime we’ll burn up those long distance lines as well as text and hopefully he can get a cheap webcam so we can Skype as well (very unsubtle hint lol!). Cameron thinks that you all will get bored with how much I talk about him on this blog but people that know me, know how important this man is to me.

However, the next time I blog (which at this rate will be in October lol() I thought about writing a continuing story that is exclusive to this blog—just to get my very neglected writing back in gear. Would you all read it though?

‘til next time,

Jacs

Happy Anniversary to me! :D

Today, August 18^th, is kind of special to me for it was on this date last year that a man, whom I’ve loved for a quite some time, told me he felt the same way about me. With that declaration my world changed for the better. It became brighter and sunnier. While I was content and fairly happy with my life, with a simple “I love you, Jacqueline,” I realized that I didn’t know happiness until that moment.

But before I felt that happiness, what he gave me first was hope.

I’m pretty sure many, if not most, know that Cameron and I were friends first. We met in New Orleans in 2007 and I’d say almost from the beginning we found a kindred spirit in each other. I found him funny, loyal, a great sounding board, just an all-around wonderful guy.

As our friendship developed and grew, my feelings became not just ‘friendly’—I was falling hard.  It was cemented in 2010 when I went down to Dallas for the Readers & ‘Ritas conference (btw I’ll be going to again this year which is from Nov 8 to 10. Hope to see some of you there!). I had a day before the conference began and what better way to spend it than with a very good friend and confidante?

Pretty much from the moment he came out of his truck to hug me, I knew. We had a wonderful day hanging out together at the aquarium with his son (who is pretty darn fantastic too) and as the day progressed I had no doubt that I was in love. 

And while I could admit it to myself, there was no way I was going to do anything about it. I could cite how difficult it can be to maintain a long-distance relationship, the difference in our ages (I’m 10 years older), I could go on and on and make excuses about why it wouldn’t work but the main one was:

I was a chicken-shit and was afraid of not just being rejected but ruining what was one of the best friendships I ever had. Given the choice of a risk or a sure thing, I kept my mouth shut. And honestly, I was happy with being Cameron’s friend.

Let me rephrase: I would have been happy just being Cameron’s friend if I never knew the happiness I feel at this moment being the woman he’s in love with.

Going back to how he gave me hope. Being friends with Cam, I would be a sounding board or counsel when it came to his relationships with other women. Did it hurt? Yes and no. No because, he was a dear friend and I wanted to help him in any way I could—whether it was advice or just by listening. And yes because, I knew I could be good for him but knew (mistakenly now) that he would never feel the same way about me. 

But then he wrote me a letter and I was going to paraphrase it but honestly I can’t. These words got my heart racing and my mind going a mile a minute. Before his ‘I love you’ these words put a smile on my face that has yet to disappear:

One of the things that ALWAYS lifts me up is hearing from you. I often wish we lived closer; you would have a friend with strong arms to hold you with whenever you needed. I also sometimes think about what would happen if we ever did live close to one another. I've realized before that many of the characteristics of that "perfect somebody" are based on you. You've been unfailingly loyal and supportive, you never forget me, you know me better now than anyone, you embrace me wholeheartedly for everything that I am and encourage me in every way. If we lived in the same place, would I be able to keep from crossing that line? I don't know for sure, but I do know that I would not want to do anything that might jeopardize our friendship. I pray that telling you this doesn't jeopardize our friendship, I just feel like you deserve to know the truth.

Jaw. On. The. Floor. It took me a few days to respond because over-analyzing me had to make sure that what I thought he meant is what I think he meant. You know what I mean? LOL! Yes I know his meaning is pretty darn clear but when you’ve wanted something for so long? It’s almost hard to believe.

But here was this man, who was brave enough to put himself on the line. Who had no clue how I felt about him. 

And because he had the courage to tell me his feelings, I had to respond in kind. I told him everything I felt for him. Everything I wanted and hoped for with him. I laid it all on the line, told him my worries about our distance, about our ages, etc.

What’s that saying? ‘Love can move mountains’. It’s funny, when two people are in love and you want to put the effort in making your relationship work, you will do what ever it takes to make it happen.

I learned very fast that our age difference never mattered to Cameron just as it never did for me. Yes, the distance between us truly sucks and I count the days until we’re together again (74 days...) but meantime, we talk on the phone or text all the time. (Thank you fantastic long-distance plan...thank you Kik where texting is free...and pretty soon we’ll be thanking Skype...)

We are closer than I could ever have imagined. More devoted to each other. More in love. In this past year I have come to learn just how truly wonderful my Cameron is. He has been my rock and protector, the best friend and lover I have ever known. Loving him and being loved by him has given me a happiness that is well, so very wonderful. 

I am blessed to be loved by this very special man. I love you, Cameron. Happy anniversary, Baby.

Happy Father's Day

Can you believe it? I’m blogging twice in so many days! But please don’t get used to it—I have a reputation of procrastination I must uphold! ;)

Today is Father’s day and I wish all the dads and all the father-figures out there a very happy day. I hope you’re celebrating with those that love you and if for some reason you’re separated from your families, I hope that you will be together soon.

As for those whose dads have gone too soon—like mine did—I hope you have memories to cherish of them. I know I do.

My dad passed in ’83.  I was 18 when he died suddenly of heart failure, which I’ve always found ironic because he had one of the biggest hearts around. Now the memories I have may differ from my brothers as well as the viewpoint of someone that just starting thinking herself as a ‘grown up’ but I saw him as a strong man, physically but most in character and conviction.  He was patient and kind but could be so stubborn. He spoiled me like only a father could with his only daughter.

When I was younger, while I’m sure we had many father/daughter moments, the one that clearly sticks out in my memory was taking a drive with him to pick up my mom from work. We’d drive to the subway station, which took him about 15-20 minutes, a fairly short time but the thing was that was ‘our’ time.  Growing up with four brothers it was difficult to get a parents undivided attention. So those 15-20 minutes a day was very precious to me. We could talk about anything--I could ask anything and nothing was too silly. Sometimes we didn’t need to say a thing and we just knew that it was nice being in each other’s company.  Oh man, I used to resent it when my little brother would tag along. I loved the bro but like I said this was my time with dad.

Dad was also on top of world events and politics—never a day went by when he didn’t start off reading the newspaper or seeing the news at the end of the day. As a result, he was a very social person and loved to meet and talk to people. (An aside about this, I didn’t know until after my dad passed that he was such a ‘social butterfly’, it was when neighbours would stop me to give condolences and tell me how they will miss him and that he used to talk to them every afternoon as he took his daily walk, that I realized just how many people he touched.)

Dad loved to garden.  But I’m not talking about a couple of straightforward beds of flowers. Oh no, he cultivated some of the most beautiful rock gardens one would ever see outside of an ‘official’ garden.  I have yet to know anyone that has ever come close to what he could do with dirt, rocks and flower seeds. Our back and front yards had some of the prettiest flowers I have ever seen. He was creative and his eye and mind could ‘see’ the potential of what would be beautiful. Not sure if gardening was where he got his patience but I’m pretty sure it played a strong part of it.

I’m not sure about others that have lost their dads and while there are many things I missed about him, the two things that I missed the most, especially when he was first gone, were hearing his footsteps on the stairs—I could tell distinguish everyone’s footsteps, mom being light and spritely to my brothers’ always racing up and down the stairs to dad’s, solid and heavy and sure. It was very strange when all of a sudden I didn’t hear it any more. Very strange and very sad.

The other was my dad’s voice.  He had one of the deepest voices one would ever hear. Even my oldest brother with his very deep timber didn’t come close.  LOL dad rarely had to raise his voice to get his message across but man oh man, if you didn’t know him you’d probably shake in your shoes! But I hate that now I can’t remember how he sounded as I used to do.

He left my life much too soon but I was lucky in the fact that I had no doubt of his love for me. Today I honour him and I hope he knows how much I still miss him, especially on this special day.

‘Til next time,

Jacs xx